Overwhelmed and anxious

Right now, I’m looking at my concepts on this particular website. In fact, I’m looking at one and it has been sitting here for 9 weeks now. I’m going to share it because it’s time to share it with you all. Not so much because I want to get likes or validation, but to share the sentiment that can be hidden behind the content. Because I need a break.

For the last 9 weeks, this website hasn’t been a blessing to me, although I generally like to hear that you enjoy reading my stuff, but it has felt like a burden to me. I think that every other day, I am contemplating deleting this website – but thankfully I have friends who remind me of the fact that is stupid, so I won’t do it. But I will leave it alone for a bit.

Like I already stated on Twitter, I have been re-reading a book I had to read for university, it’s called Alone Together by Sherry Turkle:

“It’s a nuanced exploration of what we are looking for—and sacrificing—in a world of electronic companions and social networking tools, and an argument that, despite the hand-waving of today’s self-described prophets of the future, it will be the next generation who will chart the path between isolation and connectivity.”

So what has this all got to do with me writing or not writing about football? These past 9 weeks have been incredibly hard for my mental health due to several reasons, but mainly because of my bipolar disorder. I noticed that one of my articles was received very well in likes, retweets and engagement – and that gave me a rush of adrenaline, which made me forget a few negative feelings for a while. I’ve been trying to recreate that feeling again, and not so much writing for my own development or pleasure – but writing to emulate that feeling. 9 weeks of it and my content has not been of the same quality as it could and perhaps, should be.

I’ve been trying to search for validation for my work in terms of social media presence. Focusing on likes, retweets, followers etc – but the more I thought it would help me, the more it actually pushed me further in this black hole. So it had to stop, but I had no idea why. The only way why was that I could delete my blog/website and I just could hide away from the world.

That’s a very black/white view of the world – I know – and what I hadn’t taken into consideration was the fact that my website – and in extent my person – are of some value to others. I might not understand it, but the stuff I produce and put out, can be of great learning source to others. So, I had to find something different to deal with the depressed, overwhelmed and anxious feelings surrounding my website and the need to produce.

Not only do others appreciate some of the stuff I publish, but they also have an expectation. Sending me messages whether I can look at this or that, sending requests, or asking for feedback on their own pieces. I love giving feedback, but it does add to the pressure that I should do more.

Though I really want to start creating stuff again, I’ve realised I haven’t had fun writing articles in these 2-3 months and that my mental health is suffering from it. Instead of deleting everything altogether, I’m going to take a break from writing on my blog. Focus on finding pleasure in writing again, and then when I come back, my content will be improving as well.

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